"Stupid Drivers"

The other day, while out with my two men (son and husband), the topic of driving skills popped up. Having read the latest newspaper article about the tragedies which occur when teenagers get behind the wheel, my husband and I solemnly discussed the facts. Our son acknowledged the obvious, and soon our conversation turned to stupid drivers.

"At what age do people decide they no longer need to use turn signals?" my son cracked as a car swerved suddenly into our lane with no warning.

"I HATE that! There are so many idiots on the road!" I chimed in.

We bantered back and forth about all the moronic moves that bad drivers seem to pull more and more every day. My husband remained quiet. At least, he did until my son exclaimed, "But you know who the worst drivers are? The girls. They're awful."

I quickly defended my sex, noting that statistics proved otherwise. My husband agreed on that point, but from then on I was on my own. I didn't argue too long, however. I put up a brave front, forcing them both to cite me as an exception to their rule (a fact neither could dispute), but in truth, I secretly agreed. Men may end up in more accidents because of their recklessness and speed, but women cause more accidents because of their inattentiveness and brainless actions.

Before anyone slams me for being so sexist, I will admit that my opinion is a gross generalization. Still, it's based on non-scientific observations made while driving extensively for 34 years. Men are often stupidly reckless drivers. Women are often stupid drivers. They drive more like old people, no matter what their age. Who's the idiot holding up a whole lane of traffic on the freeway by hogging the left lane rather than moving to the right? Most likely a woman or an old fart. How about the indecisive driver, the person who signals one move but makes another or none at all? A woman or an old fart. The biggest exception to my rule: a man with a cell phone. Put a phone in a driver's hand and suddenly the playing field is even. (Ban those suckers, I say!)

Having now offended more than 50% of the world's population (don't forget all those senior citizens), I'd better stop. I'm not too afraid of repercussions. After all, how many people even read my essays? Still, on the off-side chance that someone takes me too seriously and sees me doing something stupid behind the wheel, just remember: I am women, see me drive.

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