Nov. 23, 1996
I take a class in creative writing on the Internet, and for two semesters I have had the good
fortune to be in a small international study group of hard-working, intelligent writers. This
semester our lessons have not been particularly inspiring or creative, and if it weren't for my group
I might have dropped out. Our last assignment was nearly the proverbial straw: randomly select
20 unknown words from the dictionary and weave them properly into the fictional piece I had
been writing for 3 weeks!
I took umbrage. I took charge. I took my dictionary and reversed the process. I selected words randomly and created a facetious fairy tale for adults in forty minutes (actually, I don't know how long it took, but I like alliteration). Our instructions were to write the "new" words, now ingrained in our vocabularies, in capitals, and so I have. I present to you:
The young girl stood looking out the balcony window. Walking through the gardens, she saw
Martin, the gloomy megalomaniacal master of the estate. She hated him and planned to spite
him by fondling the first man that came her way tonight. Fantasia (fondly called Fannie by
her adoring minions), sighed and walked to her mirror, her mellifluous gown sweeping the
dust around her feet.
"Damn servants!" she muttered PLANGENTLY as a PISMIRE scurried across her path. "I must refresh their memories as to the worth of thorough cleaning."
She sidestepped a pile of PLAICE leftover from last night's binge and glared at her reflection. Fannie reached into the RELIQUARY and rescued the ivory rosary from its resting place. It would look ravishing on her at the ball tonight. A PORRINGER of powder lay at her fingertips, and she lightly applied some to her nose.
"I shall dazzle, no doubt," she whispered sensuously.
The earthy-smelling EREMITE gazed at the gala affair going on inside the Grand Ballroom.
"Fannie, my fantasy, tonight you shall experience HYMENEAL activities, and you will be
mine!" he muttered longingly.
The odiferous Oswald sped off to his humble abode and quickly spiffed up. By the time he returned to the ball and entered grandly, the party was in full swing. A fanfare filled the hall. Oswald continued his OBTRUSION. Fannie was the sun and Oswald saw that he was now at the PERIHELION of his orbit around her. He turned sharply and slid directly into Fannie's path.
"My beauteous Fannie, I have watched you FAGOTING fondly for hours on the footstool by the ferns, and I have finally caught your fancy," pronounced the fake gentleman as he proffered his hand to her.
Fannie feigned fear. "You think that you can be so bold?" she whispered as she gently rubbed his outstretched hand against her inner thigh.
Oswald, ever the obtuse, began to quake. "Please bear with me, oh radiant one! I have watched you from afar and now proclaim my love to you."
Fannie's answer was a simple stroke from neck to knee. Oswald really quaked.
"Are you averse to PROSODY?" asked Fannie as her tongue began to probe Oswald's facial orifices.
"Iambic," he moaned.
"Then Shakespeare shall be our bond and midnight shall be our time. Meet me by the GEANTICLINE at the edge of town tonight," the femme fatale fluttered as she placed her pretty palms against his -------
"I always wondered what the hell that monolith was called," Oswald queried as his eyes rolled back and he fell to the ground. The dancers glided around him to the echoes of the "Blue Danube Waltz."
The clock struck twelve, and Oswald stood forlornly at the sheer wall waiting for his dream. A small pond nearby teemed with HORNPOUT and MENHADEN while MERINOS and DIK-DIKS stood by the edge. A MERGANSER floated on the rippling waters watching for MYRIAPODS.
"I'm doomed," thought the hapless lover as he slowly shuffled back to his shack. He saw the GHAT leading from the gardens to the Thames. "Shall I end it here?"
"Wait!" screamed Fannie as she flung herself forcefully at the floundering fellow. "Don't be so brash! I have changed my frivolous ways and want to spend my life with you in wedded bliss!"
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Fannie was the fact that Oswald had lost most of his hearing in the wars, and so the poor man leapt like a JATO to his watery grave, leaving behind a miserable maiden.
"Oh, well," Fannie sighed as she sauntered back to the ball whistling a DIATONIC tune. "There shall always be other fish in the sea."
