Saturday Epiphany
1/22/2000  

So I had a major epiphany last night. I went to a web association meeting and found out that really is an area that I am interested in and that I am not as stupid as I think I am. This sounds corny but it was such a positive and uplifting experience. I was not an outsider and a freak there. In fact I may be too normal. It was a super diverse group and I got a few things out of the time I spent. 

One thing I learned was that I really do understand the mentality of the group, I also came to the realization that, yes, I have always been shy and had self esteem issues, but in the last 5 years or so it has gotten incredibly bad. To the point it is crippling me with fear and insecurity and not allowing or should I say blocking me from achieving my full potential. This is going to end! I have been bitching now for a long time about a lot of things in my life being in disarray and I can now see how this has effected that. 

I also realized that my need and want for change really does have part to do with my geographic location. I live in a homogenized, sanitized, white strip across the shitter so you know it is safe kind of neighborhood. Any kind of different thinking and you get ostracized, looked down upon and encouraged to immediately fall back in with the pack and assume your position in society. This can be extremely counter productive to creative thinking or exploring alternative ways of achieving your potential. In the land of SUVs, Softies and other material status goods it is hard to maintain focus of truly important things when you are always so busy trying to keep up with the Jones' and out do them. Especially when you don't have the income to do so.

This takes me to the next subject. I have come to the realization that I am pretty. Yes it is in my own way, but still. It is something I haven't really felt in a long time. It is nice to be told it but it really doesn't sink in until you really understand it in your own mind. I have a very sweet and patient S/O that really has helped me feel that way in my own terms.

I was at a store getting the basic stuff, garbage bags, paper towels and such when I looked up in line and saw some tabloid head line that read 'Think yourself thin!' Now normally I would laugh at something like that but today it made me think. Think hard and long at the power that the mind has over ones whole well being. A good attitude and positive mindset really can take you a long way baby. The more I really remember this in my day to day life and crisis the easier it seems to be to deal with them. Now if only I could stop turning bright pink when ever I was shy, embarrassed, excited or happy I think that too would make things a lot easier.

Alright so what was the biggest thing I learned from all of this self catharticism??? I have not been *ME* and true to myself in a very long time. Oh yeah, and dammit I really need to move and have way too much crap for that.

That brings me to the next subject. (See I am at least getting better at the concept transition thing.) YIPEE!!! My best friend and my Boo Boo Kitty are coming to visit!!!! <Insert handsprings and happy dance here.>

The one downside??? I am too old and have too much stuff to 'properly' kid proof my place. This is driving me insane. I am a good Aunty though and got those little outlet covers, borrowed some kid movies and bought kid munchies and made a play bucket up for her so at no point will she be bored or hungry. Besides... She gets to take them home with her and that will help eliminate any crap left at my place that way too.... I figure if she breaks anything it was meant to be and will help get rid of that too.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not just about spoiling her, but Mom as well. I have cigars, food, drink and adult munchies for us too! That and I am going to take her out for her favorite eggs benedict as well. I am sooooo excited that I get to see her. It has been a long time. To me it is like a silver lining in a much needed sanity cloud.

Till Next Time....