Same Rant Different Day
1/10/2000  

I want so much to be able to incorporate more of my creative skills into a job that pays me and satisfies me. I know that I am not living up to my full potential. There are a lot of skills that I need to work on that I know if I showed my interest my boss would respect me more for. I so need to learn and all I can think of is my future and it's income. I am really completely focused on that part. The income part that is.

My greatest fear is to not make as much money as I do now. I am so pissed off about the possibility of not getting the bonus I did last year and no tax return money. I have spent so much money over the holidays and on the cruise that I am in the whole now more than I have ever been. I need to completely reevaluate the whole lifestyle thing and change my priorities of what I want and what I want and what I really need. Including all the extras like food, smokes and fun.

Right now the only extra curricular activity that I want to do that I haven't is the Fantasia 2000 show at the IMAX. That is probably the one thing that I want to do or see that even if I have to I will do by myself I would. I hate doing things by myself but mostly I hate being dependant on others to help me fulfill what I want to do. That is one reason that I hate the whole review process. It is so dependent on what others think of you. I can never figure out how others perceive me. I need to be more aggressive and go after all the things that I want. Like my review I cannot be afraid to tell them that I really have been awesome in the past even though I don't feel like it now. I really have saved the company a lot of money and time and effort. If they had come to me on a number of other things i could have done even more. I take my job very seriously and I think that is why I am so bummed about the loss of my official job title. I don't feel like I belong any where and I don't feel like I belong any where and I don't feel a sense of dedication and loyalty to a department and direction. That drives me absolutely insane. Right now all I can think of is the fact that I don't belong any where and that is the only thing that I want in both my professional and personal life.

I am so uncertain of my skills in general on both fields that I am going completely insane on all areas of my life. I so want to run away from everything and I do mean everything in my life. It would be the easy way out. It is so tempting to start packing up all the crap stuff in my possession and selling it to raise enough money to move somewhere new and start all over again new and fresh. I'm telling you the thought of moving somewhere far away is entertaining me more and more.

I guess it's like an octopus in heat using its tentacles to squeeze the life out of its object d' amour and the satisfaction that it gets.

Till Next Time....