The Deep Stuff - I got the blahs....
I just feel so unmotivated in my writing lately. All of the holiday stuff and the whole work scene seemed to have seeped in and sucked the creativeness out of me. A leach eating away at my desire to make the most of things. "JB" suggested that I completely redo my sight, which normally would wake me up at 3 am to take notes on some kind of layout or content that I would bolt out of bed from revelation. Nope, not this time. More a roll over and do it later kind of attitude. My gripes seem to be so petty and mundane that they are not even worth writing about. Not that they weren't before but now I am all in all much happier. But I really need to find a motivating factor to wake me up from this funk on the web and work fronts. I feel like a square peg trying to cram myself in a round hole.
I hate the fact that I once again have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Hell I always end up settling on that front. That pisses me off. I am very angry with myself. That is part of the problem. Screw that. It is THE problem. I have been given an opportunity to completely change my existence and do something new and exciting as well as challenge myself and all I can do is sit here staring blankly at my screen and get more and more angry with myself. I have spent hours and hours on this to the point of complete frustration and tears at the possibility of complete worthlessness and the possibility that I really have no skills that I want to utilize and sharpen. I really do feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing. I just don't know what all of the 'rights' are.
I don't like being in this mood because it is starting to mess with the happy parts and that really pisses me off. I know better... I just have a hard time separating them.
The holidays were affected by this too and it just kills me to have anything do that to my favorite time of year. Luckily, overall, Christmas was great. I had fun and enjoyed thoroughly the company of my family, friends and my guy! Although, I did put back on some of the weight I managed to loose. Thanks for all the great food Mom!
Till next time.
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