As I was driving home, I tried to formulate my ideas on the subject. Being a boxist, I see the main differences as categorizing out into a couple of extreme positions, with most people operating on some mix that varies situationally. Based on what my friends had been saying, I came up with this list:
The Island Some people feel strongly that a mature adult doesn’t need help from other people. They see any exchange of favors as dependency. If you do them a favor, they either feel intensely beholden or they are irritated that you think they can’t take care of themselves. If you ask for a favor, they are likely to scorn you for weakness.
The Balancer This person works religiously to keep things even. If you do a favor for a Balancer, you can bet they’re already figuring out how to pay you back -- never mind whether you think it is necessary. If they do one for you and you don’t do enough for them, they will feel mis-used. Some Balancers completely reject the idea of favors as a nice thing one person does for another, and see it all as a sort of commercial transaction.
No Big Deal Their basic assumption is that no one ever does anything hard for another person. If you do them a favor and expect repayment, they are startled. "If it was such a big deal, you shouldn’t have done it." Yet, they can very generous. An NBD might hand you $100 without a second thought if they were flush.
With A Glad Heart They feel strongly that favors should be done for the pleasure of helping another person. Like the NBD, they object to the idea of repayment, though for a different reason: they feels it devalues the favor. Unlike the NBD, the WAGH will go to some lengths to help out people. If you do something for them, they will feel sad if it is because of what they did for you last week.
These differing attitudes can cause hard feelings. A NBD asks an Island for a favor, and is treated to a lecture on taking care of yourself. A Balancer tries to return a favor to a WAGH, and is rejected. An Island gets annoyed at a WAGH for bringing them a hot meal at home when they’re in bed with the flu. A Balancer declares a NBD to be completely irresponsible. All are behaving honorably by their lights, and are upset by the reactions they get.
Do any of these extremes describe you? I see myself as mostly a Balancer, and I’d like to be more of a WAGH. I used to be an Island, and that still pops up sometimes.
When I was in college and still very much an Island, I ticked off one of my closest friends. Denise found out I hadn’t eaten for a couple days because I was too sick to make myself any food. She went through the roof. "You think I wouldn’t be happy to feed you?!" I was flabbergasted. I apologized and ate what she put in front of me, but I didn’t understand for years why she’d felt so insulted.
I think maybe now I get it.